When I drink, I lose all control.

I was born in a Tibetan settlement in Mustang, Nepal.  I came from a good farming family, one of five boys in my family, with three sisters. At age ten, I started drinking chang, or homemade fermented rice alcohol.  That sounds really crazy now, but it was so normal then.  That stuff was everywhere and unregulated.  Everyone in my village drank it, or so it seemed.  I really enjoyed drinking it.  And then, I enjoyed it more and more and more.  By age seventeen, I was drinking from morning to night.

Later, I married and had two beautiful daughters. I had a good life, but I wasn’t in control – the alcohol was. I did nothing but drink. I blacked out. I was fighting – I think.  Everything around me was falling apart, including my marriage.  But I just couldn’t stop drinking.  My life was completely unmanageable.  Finally, in 2004, at the behest of my loving parents, I entered rehab for the first time in Kathmandu.  I went through the first week of withdrawals and hardly slept.  Slowly, my body became more regulated.  As soon as I left, however, I went straight back to drinking.  After that, I went to four more rehabs, I just couldn’t stop.

When I stopped drinking I would start thinking about the past.  Then, the guilt would come.  What had I done to my wife?  My family?  This would trigger me to relapse.  Then I would feel even guiltier.  It is a crazy cycle.

I have now been sober for one month. I feel like God gave me a gift. I am around loving and kind people. One day at a time, I am repairing my life. I enjoy practicing yoga with our group every morning. When boredom sets in, I pass the time here by cooking, working, and playing chess. It is really a good feeling, but I am still afraid of how to deal with my family. Loneliness is usually there on some level. When I share these thoughts at meetings, it seems to help.

My goal is to work hard and save money for my daughters. They are now twelve and fourteen and I want them to have a good future. Besides them, I am not really thinking of the future. I don’t really have confidence in my ability to stay sober, based on my history, but I am just telling myself, “one day at a time,” like we say in A.A. The fellowship I have found gives me strength. I am not alone.  Society thinks that drugs are so dangerous, but alcohol is acceptable.  I know from experience that alcohol can be just as damaging.  It turns me into “crazy boy.”  When I drink, I lose all control.